how do you look at yourself when you’re alone? how can you see yourself? you’re there and you’re the only one witnessing it all, but you can’t watch yourself be alone.
i stood in a lake by myself and then i swam across. i stopped in the middle and looked forward and back and imagined looking at your life when you’re square in the middle of it. but you can’t actually do that.
i practiced 16 bars of a song over and over again for two weeks. my fingers muddled the ending when i sat down to play it.
i drove to the beach on a monday night and went swimming. i brought wine in a glass bottle and read my book. i walked on a path by myself and everyone stared at me and i felt that i was odd for the first time in my life. i got ice cream on the side of the road. it wasn’t that good. i ate leftover pasta from the pan while standing over the stove.
i took the dog on a hike on the solstice and sang soliloquies to myself. we took the wrong turn coming back, but we made it.
i stretched on the tile floor of the dressing room in my giant nightgown. i wrote love poems on the letters by myself.
i went for a walk and saw a new bird that i had never seen before. golden yellow with black. the gypsy moths were chewing and pellets were falling on my head. flies kept buzzing around my ears.
i took a train home and as soon as we pulled away i started crying. the man across the aisle was from new york and when he stood up, he was as tall as the overhead luggage racks. the ladies in front of me reclined their seats, and i moved to a different aisle.
i watched someone sing and i thought people were most beautiful when they were doing something they loved. i’ve been feeling most beautiful when i’m alone.
on/often 